It started with a handshake and a smile. He walked into my world as a casual acquaintance without a second thought of being anything more. Today, he's the object of my daydreams.

Innocent conversations that were made in passing uncovered our similarities, our likes and dislikes and our dreams and aspirations. The more I learned, the more I liked. I found his soft spoken and easy-going demeanor charming; his ambition attractive and his good manners a welcoming surprise.

I had acknowledged him as a platonic companion, a neighbor in the professional space that we shared. It was only when I felt my heart sink a little at the realization that we wouldn't be more that I recognized what I was feeling.

He represented possibility. The idea that the grass was greener on the other side. My heart yearned to know what it was like, to experience what, until now, my mind had only imagined. It was like discovering that unicorns existed. But was I worthy of experiencing such a thing?

My mind began to cast doubts given the reality of my situation. I felt tainted, damaged. How could I expect someone who possessed the positive qualities I looked for accept someone like me who was so clearly imperfect? And had I already single-handedly eliminated any chance that existed?

Only time will tell at this point.  Until something tells me otherwise, I'll hold on to my daydreams.

It's not you, it's me.

No, I'm not trying to let a guy off easy. Well, not in the sense that most people probably think of when they hear those words. Contrary to popular belief, this infamous saying has transcended the ages and can now be used in  a variety of situations.

I recently renewed my membership at LA Fitness. I argued with myself that the fitness center where I live was sufficient enough, but it didn't have a sauna or a steam room. Not to mention the greater possibility of spotting some delicious eye candy.

My membership came with a free fitness assessment and personal training session so I signed myself up to do it bright and early on a Saturday morning. I was met by a fit, handsome young man about the same age as me. He asked me questions about my lifestyle, what I ate, what I drank and how much I knew about fitness. He seemed to like my answers so far.

Then came the fever of the pitch: how much and how long could they lock me in for with a personal trainer. I gave his proposal some considerate thought, but wasn't quite buying into the deal (literally). So he sweetened it up a little more for me by lowering the price and initial fees. I would have to commit to a minimum of 3 sessions a month for 3 months. I still said, "Ehh" on getting locked in for 3 months. He then pitched it from a different angle. At this time I looked at him and said, "Listen...I'm not sure how to say this but...I don't do well with commitment." He leaned back a bit and didn't say anything so I shrugged and said, "It's not you it's me."

He stared at me briefly before saying, "I can only do this for you today," to which I replied, "Then I just might have to walk away from it today, but if it works out further down the road and the circumstances are right we will definitely talk again." And with that we said our thank yous and shook hands. As I walked away I couldn't help but feel that I had broken up with something that hadn't even started.

That's not possible, I have a vagina.

The thought occurred to me yesterday evening as I was getting ready for dinner. My dinner date had teasingly asked me how much longer it would take me to get ready.

"5 minutes," I said, which I had already promised 3 times. A somewhat impatient voice replied, "Can you get ready any faster?" to which I promptly retorted, "That's not possible, I have a vagina."

Suddenly a lightbulb switched on and my blog was reborn!

I had been toying with the idea of changing my blog's identity. I yearned for it to have a personality complete with moods and a voice. This all started with a name. After all, isn't that how we begin first impressions? What better way to catch someone's attention than to use the word "vagina"! Seeing how my ramblings so far have been influenced by my female emotions it seems only fitting that the title of my blog have something to do with the part of my body that rules them. I also came to the conclusion that my blog needs more pictures. Don't worry, I won't post of a picture of my precious flower. There are plenty of other free websites for that.

The next step will be discovering the next step. I'm sure that as this blog develops, so will I.

I think I'm a walking oxymoron. Let me explain.

My dear mother raised me as a single parent after she and my father parted ways when I was 13. In reality, she was a "single parent" way before that. In all her infinite wisdom and knowledge, she taught me to be independent and cautious of a man's intentions, burning into me the hard lesson that she learned from being with my dad. I really can't blame her for that.

Fast forward 11 years. After a handful of failed long-term relationships, I had finally met someone with very strong potential to be a life partner. All the other boys I'd met (and I do mean boys) struggled with my independent nature. One of them even tried to take me back 100 years to the pre-women's rights era and make me more submissive. I'm sad to say it almost worked. What do they call that type of behavior again? Oh yes, stupid.

So there I was on the brink of tying the knot with a nagging question on my mind. I turned to the one person who I thought could give me an answer: my mother. "Mom," I asked, not even sure how to phrase the question. "How am I supposed to let a man take care of me?"

There was a short pause on her end of the phone before she said, "Well, you have to make your husband feel like a man and you do that by letting him take care of you."

"But you raised me to be independent," I replied, "so I'm not sure I know how to do that."

"It's different when you are married," she explained. "You have to listen to your husband."

I wasn't sure that I was liking her answer at this point, so I said, "You know that goes against everything you taught me growing up."

My mother simply said back, "I know." Go figure my love life feels like a game of Jenga sometimes.

Why does marriage exist? Let's throw out the Biblical explanation for it and instead look at what marriage really means in today's society. In all honesty, it doesn't seem like it means much anymore. Other than surface benefits like tax breaks and health insurance, how much more value does the act of a wedding and signing legal documents give to a relationship between a man and a woman?

More than 50% of the people I know are divorced. Many of them are remarried and seem much happier the next time around than they did the first. It's almost as if that first time was just practice and you're supposed to take the painful lessons you learn from that experience and apply them to your next one to make it better. That's great, but what is it exactly that makes it better the second time around? I'm sure it has some to do with maturity, particularly for those who got married the first time around at a younger age and thought they knew everything. Once those rose-colored glasses came off and they saw their immediate situation for what it was, life didn't seem so peachy anymore.

So with that said, I'm sure almost everyone can agree that marriage and relationships in general are not easy. They are full of compromise and sustaining the ability to understand each other. All people have some capacity for being able to do those things, but the difference is the actual want and desire to do that for someone special. Also, does anyone really want to grow old alone? I know I don't. I need someone to wipe my ass when I'm 80 years old and in diapers.

I had an old boss once tell me that when you switch jobs you are basically trading one kind of shit for another kind of shit. I suppose you could look at relationships the same way. Then, when you finally find someone whose shit you can tolerate better than anyone else you have met, you decide to settle down. Unless someday their shit starts to really stink and you end up going through the big D.

I've begun to believe that there are some people who really do not possess the capacity to be with only one person for the majority of their lives. These people aren't necessarily commitment phobes, but just ones that need constant stimulus and variety in the form of others. They find too much enjoyment in discovering other people and the traits they possess that make life seem more fun and interesting. I'm sure that if there was a person who existed who could do all these things for them, they would be more willing to settle down. However, part of the appeal seems to be the chase and the discovery. It's almost like an addiction.

I think I'm one of those people. I really want to believe in true love and at one point in my life I thought I had it, but there are things about myself that I need to come to accept. There is still the possibility that I'll change and maybe it's my current situation that is making me feel this way. I have a longing for stability yet at the same time there is that tugging feeling that there is still a world of people out there waiting to be discovered.

It's 5 o'clock Sunday morning and I'm awake. I woke up because of this stupid cough I have and couldn't go back to sleep. I keep thinking about people and my friends and who my real friends are. I'm afraid to open my mouth and say anything because 1) I'm not sure of myself right now and 2) I don't want to say anything that will come back to me. I'm so good at isolating myself and part of me hates how I do that so much, but at the same time I don't know how to let people in. It's easy when times are good, but when times are hard, like right now, my defenses go up and it makes it difficult for me to communicate with people.

I feel betrayed by one of my friends and I want nothing more than to cut them out. However, it makes me sad to do so. My gut feeling tells me I should have cut them off a while back, but I overlooked some of their deficiencies. This friend doesn't believe in love and marriage and I accepted that about them, but then I started to feel as if they couldn't relate to me because of that.

I still believe in love and there is still a little girl in me that wants a fairy tale romance. I was reading through my old diary and found an entry where I had written about my "Prince Charming" and how he would drive up in a white BMW (as opposed to a white horse) and rescue me. Thinking back, I've had a few false Prince Charmings in various white horses. Mostly German white horses. Still waiting for that Italian horse to roll up.

In all seriousness, I do wonder if I have a "soul mate" out there or if I've already met him and not recognized him. Is it possible to have a soul mate but not end up together? That would be a tragedy. I wonder what is supposed to happen when you meet your soul mate. Is it like a Disney movie where birds start singing and you have a magical moment? Probably not.

I also want a real wedding someday. Not anything big, but made up of all the traditional elements of a wedding. All the things I didn't have. Right now, I want another cough drop.

I have grown up to be two people. The one you see on the surface and the personality that lies within. The person you see on the surface is usually happy, positive and energetic. She carries herself with feigned confidence and smiles a lot because people respond well to that. She laughs freely and knows how to compliment someone on something that she knows will make them feel good. She also means everything she says and doesn't have difficulty making new friends.

The person on the inside is observant, calculating and manipulative. She protects her insecurities and hides them. She is obsessive, compulsive and paranoid. She judges people by how they treat others and not just herself. She pays more attention to how a person talks and their body language as opposed to what they might actually be saying. Sometimes she makes bad judgement calls because she ignores the cues she picks up on and gives people the benefit of the doubt. She should know better but she doesn't and she keeps people from getting too close because she has trust issues.

Both are seeking therapy.