Why does marriage exist? Let's throw out the Biblical explanation for it and instead look at what marriage really means in today's society. In all honesty, it doesn't seem like it means much anymore. Other than surface benefits like tax breaks and health insurance, how much more value does the act of a wedding and signing legal documents give to a relationship between a man and a woman?

More than 50% of the people I know are divorced. Many of them are remarried and seem much happier the next time around than they did the first. It's almost as if that first time was just practice and you're supposed to take the painful lessons you learn from that experience and apply them to your next one to make it better. That's great, but what is it exactly that makes it better the second time around? I'm sure it has some to do with maturity, particularly for those who got married the first time around at a younger age and thought they knew everything. Once those rose-colored glasses came off and they saw their immediate situation for what it was, life didn't seem so peachy anymore.

So with that said, I'm sure almost everyone can agree that marriage and relationships in general are not easy. They are full of compromise and sustaining the ability to understand each other. All people have some capacity for being able to do those things, but the difference is the actual want and desire to do that for someone special. Also, does anyone really want to grow old alone? I know I don't. I need someone to wipe my ass when I'm 80 years old and in diapers.

I had an old boss once tell me that when you switch jobs you are basically trading one kind of shit for another kind of shit. I suppose you could look at relationships the same way. Then, when you finally find someone whose shit you can tolerate better than anyone else you have met, you decide to settle down. Unless someday their shit starts to really stink and you end up going through the big D.

I've begun to believe that there are some people who really do not possess the capacity to be with only one person for the majority of their lives. These people aren't necessarily commitment phobes, but just ones that need constant stimulus and variety in the form of others. They find too much enjoyment in discovering other people and the traits they possess that make life seem more fun and interesting. I'm sure that if there was a person who existed who could do all these things for them, they would be more willing to settle down. However, part of the appeal seems to be the chase and the discovery. It's almost like an addiction.

I think I'm one of those people. I really want to believe in true love and at one point in my life I thought I had it, but there are things about myself that I need to come to accept. There is still the possibility that I'll change and maybe it's my current situation that is making me feel this way. I have a longing for stability yet at the same time there is that tugging feeling that there is still a world of people out there waiting to be discovered.

It's 5 o'clock Sunday morning and I'm awake. I woke up because of this stupid cough I have and couldn't go back to sleep. I keep thinking about people and my friends and who my real friends are. I'm afraid to open my mouth and say anything because 1) I'm not sure of myself right now and 2) I don't want to say anything that will come back to me. I'm so good at isolating myself and part of me hates how I do that so much, but at the same time I don't know how to let people in. It's easy when times are good, but when times are hard, like right now, my defenses go up and it makes it difficult for me to communicate with people.

I feel betrayed by one of my friends and I want nothing more than to cut them out. However, it makes me sad to do so. My gut feeling tells me I should have cut them off a while back, but I overlooked some of their deficiencies. This friend doesn't believe in love and marriage and I accepted that about them, but then I started to feel as if they couldn't relate to me because of that.

I still believe in love and there is still a little girl in me that wants a fairy tale romance. I was reading through my old diary and found an entry where I had written about my "Prince Charming" and how he would drive up in a white BMW (as opposed to a white horse) and rescue me. Thinking back, I've had a few false Prince Charmings in various white horses. Mostly German white horses. Still waiting for that Italian horse to roll up.

In all seriousness, I do wonder if I have a "soul mate" out there or if I've already met him and not recognized him. Is it possible to have a soul mate but not end up together? That would be a tragedy. I wonder what is supposed to happen when you meet your soul mate. Is it like a Disney movie where birds start singing and you have a magical moment? Probably not.

I also want a real wedding someday. Not anything big, but made up of all the traditional elements of a wedding. All the things I didn't have. Right now, I want another cough drop.

I have grown up to be two people. The one you see on the surface and the personality that lies within. The person you see on the surface is usually happy, positive and energetic. She carries herself with feigned confidence and smiles a lot because people respond well to that. She laughs freely and knows how to compliment someone on something that she knows will make them feel good. She also means everything she says and doesn't have difficulty making new friends.

The person on the inside is observant, calculating and manipulative. She protects her insecurities and hides them. She is obsessive, compulsive and paranoid. She judges people by how they treat others and not just herself. She pays more attention to how a person talks and their body language as opposed to what they might actually be saying. Sometimes she makes bad judgement calls because she ignores the cues she picks up on and gives people the benefit of the doubt. She should know better but she doesn't and she keeps people from getting too close because she has trust issues.

Both are seeking therapy.

The Chloe Bridge is Falling Down, Falling Down...

Red. Green. Yellow. Stop. Go. Slow down. You could compare my life to a traffic light. Lately it's been on yellow with some construction zones thrown in. For a short time it was on green and I was on a fast track to a brick wall. Then it happened. My life hit LA traffic on a Friday afternoon and there was no way around it except to face my sad reality and take it one painful mile at a time.

I had grown tired of the distractions and the unsolicited advice. I started to see through the people around me and felt more and more disappointed. It was partly my own responsibility because I enabled it to happen. I had trusted more than I should have. Shame on me. So up went my ten foot wall again except this time it had grown ten feet thicker.

Now here I am feeling alone. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. I've been through a lot of things alone in my life and am no stranger to seeing people come and go. But it's time to make a change. I know the road ahead will require me to do some heavy soul searching and it will definitely take time. Is it worth the risk to find some good people in the world? I sure hope so...