It's 5 o'clock Sunday morning and I'm awake. I woke up because of this stupid cough I have and couldn't go back to sleep. I keep thinking about people and my friends and who my real friends are. I'm afraid to open my mouth and say anything because 1) I'm not sure of myself right now and 2) I don't want to say anything that will come back to me. I'm so good at isolating myself and part of me hates how I do that so much, but at the same time I don't know how to let people in. It's easy when times are good, but when times are hard, like right now, my defenses go up and it makes it difficult for me to communicate with people.

I feel betrayed by one of my friends and I want nothing more than to cut them out. However, it makes me sad to do so. My gut feeling tells me I should have cut them off a while back, but I overlooked some of their deficiencies. This friend doesn't believe in love and marriage and I accepted that about them, but then I started to feel as if they couldn't relate to me because of that.

I still believe in love and there is still a little girl in me that wants a fairy tale romance. I was reading through my old diary and found an entry where I had written about my "Prince Charming" and how he would drive up in a white BMW (as opposed to a white horse) and rescue me. Thinking back, I've had a few false Prince Charmings in various white horses. Mostly German white horses. Still waiting for that Italian horse to roll up.

In all seriousness, I do wonder if I have a "soul mate" out there or if I've already met him and not recognized him. Is it possible to have a soul mate but not end up together? That would be a tragedy. I wonder what is supposed to happen when you meet your soul mate. Is it like a Disney movie where birds start singing and you have a magical moment? Probably not.

I also want a real wedding someday. Not anything big, but made up of all the traditional elements of a wedding. All the things I didn't have. Right now, I want another cough drop.